Wednesday, September 19, 2012

My Last Cat

This is not what I intended to write about today... but I am all too aware in my life that plans change. My little kitty, whom I have loved for nearly 16 years, is gone. He was very sick off and on over the last few months, but his death was far quicker than I'd expected.

I'm not sure if he had just gotten too deaf, or he didn't have the strength to get up, or what, but he had placed himself on the garage floor when I came home yesterday, probably for the first time ever, and didn't move out of the way when the garage door opened and I backed in. And my mirrors don't show the garage floor. I can't describe the event, but my daughter and I instantly knew what I had done.

He was alive when we left him at the vet's, after a tearful ride in the car nestled in my daughter's arms, but both of his hips had been destroyed, and at least his bladder punctured, and he was far too old and weak to go through surgery and survive. The doctor could tell he had severe arthritis--and we've known this by the way he had walked for a few years--and said it was better that he not live his last month in such pain.

We've had a few scares just in the past month, times when he slept the whole day or had seizures, but I never expected that it would be my fault he would die. My guilt is almost unbearable. I don't think any words can console me, and I'm not certain I will ever be consoled (or that I even deserve to be consoled).

I just hope he died gently, knowing, despite that last hour, that I truly did love him his whole life.


  1. Oh Sweetie.......I am sobbing for you.
    No words........just tears.........

    Wishing you peace...........


  2. Shakes...I understand your grief I really do but the guilt? That part eludes me. Your pet was aged, in pain from the arthritis, most likely did not hear the garage or the car or it would have moved or made its presence known, animals have a strong will to survive, death as we think it to be is a human concept.

    By your own telling the cat was ill for months, don't take this the wrong way but I believe in human euthanasia too. I have two dogs one has lived well beyond what is normal for her breed but as she ages if she is in pain I will relieve that pain.

    You're guilty because of circumstances beyond your control and if you choose to hold onto that morose thought then feel free, you have my sympathy but not my condemnation.

    Be Well Kiddo you didn't do anything wrong and did do everything right.

  3. I'm so sorry for your pain, and the loss of your cat. I pray you'll find the strength to get past this, and just enjoy memories of many years with your fur baby. (((HUGS)))

  4. Sixteen years of love and care can't be erased by an accident. Your kitty knew how much he was loved. Being loved and cherished is what his life was, thanks to you. Consider all the other ways he might have spent his time here, and you can begin to see what a difference you made for this lovely creature. You gave him a home and a family and safety. You gave him a place in your heart. And anyone who reads this knows you would have done anything to prevent this accident if you could have.

    Wherever he is now, your love is what he took with him. That was your gift to him. That is how he will remember you.

  5. Thanks for the hugs, Mimi.

    And I understand your logic, Walking Man. And I truly believe it's for the best, in my mind. But, as with most women, sometimes my mind and my heart are not too well connected. My mind can logic through it, but my heart just gushes sadness anyway.

    Barbara, we've actually been looking through photos this morning. The kids took them to school. The more we feel we can talk about it, the easier it gets.

    Thank you, Lynn. I so appreciate the things you say on your blog, and it's kind of you to bring your thoughts into my blog, too. I appreciate your perspective, and you are right--I would have done anything to have it not happen, but in so many ways I think this was far easier for him, even if it was harder for me.

    Grief is just difficult, and death doesn't seem to get easier to endure as the years go by.

  6. Ah, Shakespeare, I'm so sorry. I am just now reading this and just now know.

    I know how much you loved him. I really really feel for your pain.

    Unfortunately, I have no magic words to make it better. I'm sorry.