Friday, March 29, 2013

The Things I've Learned

I had a whole rant written.

Yup. I wrote it about two weeks ago. It was snarky. It would have made you raise your hackles (whatever that means), get righteously angry, and feel all sorts of sympathy for me.

But it won't be happening. I don't really need sympathy.

No one died. No one was seriously damaged. In the end, we finished the play, and it went okay.

Suffice it to say that I'm done. Absolutely done. I'll be going this morning to the theatre to clean up the costumes, put them all back where they belong, and be finished with it.

And then I'll put myself back where I belong. Which is not at the theatre. At least not that theatre.

I've learned a great deal about myself through this, too. Some good things, some bad.

  1. I don't give up on things very easily. If I've given up on you, or on a project, it was only because the project was simply impossible to complete. I'll keep my claws tightly grasping a wall on a climb up even if you're throwing bricks at my head. And not missing. I'll just grit my teeth, wipe the blood out of my eyes, and keep going.
  2. I can give up. Watch out if I do, though. It's likely going to be permanent. I should warn the hubby right now that if we ever divorce, I will likely never speak to him again. Not ever. My family figured that one out 20 years ago. I'm sure they think I'll relent at some point, but every year I second guess my decision less and less (i.e., not at all). 
  3. I don't waste my time on people who hurt me. I especially don't waste my time on people who hurt my kids. And my kids are my first priority, so they trump everything else. People who think I'm going to be okay with them slapping one of my kids (figuratively) across the face, or throwing bricks at my eight-year-old son while he is trying to climb a wall better be ready to have bricks thrown back at them. 
  4. I will take the high road. But I'll only do it once. And you'll never have the chance to make me do it again. See #2.
I guess that makes me determined and stubborn, and, like Mr. Darcy, "My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever." 

Now, though, I have time free--free enough to walk, exercise, play with my kids, paint, and, THANK GOD, write. 

Off to walk. Then shower. Then write. 

It'll be a good day.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

The Light at the End of a Very Dark Tunnel

Six more performances, and the current torture of my life will be over.

It should have been brilliant. It should have been sheer joy. It should have been so many wonderful, fantastic, amazing things.

Instead, it has just be pain, betrayal, and lies. Lots and lots of lies.

I have kept my mouth shut, but stay tuned and you'll get the whole skinny.

Next Sunday. After the last performance. When it's all over.

When I can breathe again. When I'm out of this dark tunnel and back in the open air, back in the sunshine, back in the true world.

Stay tuned...

Monday, March 11, 2013

Another Birthday

Well, I've made it to another milestone. Funny how time still passes, even when I don't feel like I'm getting anything done. It feels like just another long day at this point, but I finally see an end to the emotional turmoil I've been in.

The play is in its last week of rehearsal, and first week of performance, so my kids and I will be in the thick of it all this week--every single day until about 10:30 p.m. It'll wear on them, I know, but it'll wear on me, too. I am old, after all, and not used to staying up past 10 p.m.

Two more weeks, though, and this OLIVER! will be over. I'll miss the music, and I'll miss wearing my costume (I'm keeping the cap to wear around the house, just for fun), but I don't think I'll miss anything else. Pretty sad, really. A lot of work, and the payoff this time isn't close to worth it. But we stuck it out, despite everything, and I can leave it behind on my own terms, without (too much) bitterness.

Still, in the end, we did it, all of us. Maybe in a few years, in a different venue, when the kids are a little older and I'm still not too old, we'll do something like this again. Until then, I'll look forward to getting some rest.

Hope you all have a great week. Sleep for me, okay?