Linking to the Spirit

I know I discuss spirituality frequently, and I also know many of you are neither church-going nor religious (but still, this is my blog, and not yours, so sometimes I will write about things uninteresting to you). I do attend a church--a church whose members I like, and whose teachings are liberal enough to not offend me. 

HOWEVER, I realized, during church yesterday that I have gone a long time without feeling anything. The hymns have had no effect on me, the recitations just sounded bland, and everything felt lame, felt unfelt to me, like we were all going through the motions, but not the emotions.

I am not the kind of person to raise a hand and say "Hallelujah!" or "Amen!" to anything. In fact, when other people do this in front of me, I find myself looking to the exit to make sure I have a clear means of escape. Yet I also tend to find spiritual energy in a setting, such as the outdoors or even a building (like a church). One church building in Independence, Kansas, where I used to live, felt spiritually potent to me. It was modeled after the ruins of a cathedral in Scotland, and it may very well be the most beautiful church I have ever been inside. Sitting in the church, when the lights were off and sunlight streamed in through enormous stained glass windows, was a spiritual journey in itself, restful, comforting, powerful. Not so when people were there. The services at the church, like the ones at the church I now attend, left me cold, and it wasn't long before I stopped attending. 

Why does all this matter? In some ways it doesn't. The spiritual world cannot be contained within a building, nor can it be controlled by people worshipping within a building. But when I cannot find a spiritual link to my own belief system, and when I am forced to keep it entirely within myself for long periods of time, and when a system intended to broaden and feed my spiritual journey does nothing but stifle it, I start to lose contact with the very essence which feeds my soul each day... and that is not a good thing. 

I don't want to be in this alone. I don't want to feel as if I am the one person in the world who sees the world as I do. But I have no idea where to go, or what to do, to find what I need to keep going. 

Any ideas?

Finally Happy

How does it happen? I am still sick, coughing up stuff (I think I likely have a sinus infection), but for some odd reason I spent most of yesterday giggling. And today, too, I'm as cheery as can be, laughing at odd moments (while taking folded clothes up to put away, or making the bed, or rinsing dishes). It doesn't make any sense. Nothing--and I mean NOTHING--has changed from last week to this. 

But I feel like singing. Singing at the bus stop, while I waited for Crystal to be picked up. Singing at my kids while I got them ready for the day. Humming while brushing my teeth. What could possibly make me feel this way? Is it anti-PMS? Impossible. Given the timing, it should be PMS... perhaps my husband is right in observing I'm "even nicer" when that time comes around (and he is grateful for that, as am I). Whatever the reason, I'm really enjoying being happy, even if I have no reason to be (at least, no more reason than I had for being sad before).

Perhaps I need to remember this for my writing (and reading). Sometimes characters may act moody, happy, giddy, upset, cranky, or whatever for no reason at all. Perhaps he or she doesn't know why the feeling comes, and only discovers the source later. Maybe it's okay for a character to not always be logical. Maybe none of us are logical. 

Is there a character you remember, from any of your reading, who seemed illogical to other characters but who made perfect sense to you? When did you psychoanalyze a character, either in your own writing or someone else's?